As a road ragin' superstar, I get mighty sick of watching sportsmen get all the attention. So Tom Brady can bounce a basketball higher than any other man, and maybe Shaq does swim a mean butterfly stroke, that don't mean nuthin to honest folks who spend their days on the land workin' hard, drivin' hard, and breaking more faces than Elvis had burgers
I need my own cheer team. Cheerleaders won't cut it though, nope, Roger needs some girls who understand wheels, or at least hoops.
Enter Roger's Amateur Hooping Troupe
Each of these ladies has been specially chosen by me to join my hooping posse. My requirements are simple. The ladies must live at the Rager residence (we have a shed out the back I'll get Mrs Rager to clean out), and carry their hoops with them at all times. When anyone not of the Rager
clan appears, my hooping troupe will start hoopin' around me. Like planets around a sun. Planets that make out with each other.
Cousin Cletus-Bob helped me make my selection from the Internet's premiere source of amateur entertainment - You Tube.
Now I reckon' this lady is real pretty, Cousin Cletus-Bob thinks that she looks like she did somethin' in her panties before she started the camera rolling. Either way, she's my first pick for my all girl hooping squad!
Now we don't get to see this lady's face, but I don't reckon that's real important. Cletus-Bob started yammerin on about camels and their toes, but that's probably the moonshine talking. She's in!
I like this lady! She's very friendly and she wants us all to watch her on her webcamera, which I think sounds like a whole lot of fun. Cletus Bob says she's probably one of those adult actresses like Luanne from down the river, but this girl seems to have all her teeth.
These girls are Cletus Bob's picks. I'm not sure, they're pretty good at hooping, but all those dangly colored things make me think that these girls are probably hippy types, and Roger doesn't hold with any of that hippy rubbish. Plus, I think these girls are hooping professionals, and Mrs Rager doesn't take kindly to Roger bringing home professional girls anymore.
It Ain't Easy Being A Road Raging Gangster
Terri wanted to know where I've been all this time, and you folks know I don't like to dissapoint my loyal visitors, so, here goes...It's been a while, but Roger's back, sitting here at the end of a long trail of broken faces. It's good to be home with Mrs Rager. The trouble started when a gas siphoning ring got started around these here parts. There's a recession on, and that stuff is liquid gold right now. So one night me and Mrs Rager are sitting on our porch with the little ragers and we hear an angry mob. Pitchforks and all. (Few Amish folk down this way, don't own vehicles, but they love mob justice as much as the next guy.)
Next thing I know they're accusing ME, Roger Rager, of rastlin' their gas. Well, I did what any man would do. I made a strategic retreat to the burned out 'bago down the back of the swamp and waited for Mrs Rager to catch the real crooks. It took her a fair few weeks, but eventually she caught them out with a sweet little decoy petrol can atop a gin trap.
Justice has been served with a hot slice of Apple Pie.
How To Burn Your Motorhome (Roger on RV Safety)
ACHTUNG WARNING: FOLLOWING THIS ADVICE MAY LEAD TO YOUR DEATH OR HORRIFIC MAIMING. ROGER ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR INJURIES OR DEATHS STEMMING FROM ADVICE CONTAINED HEREIN. KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS FIRST.
As a motor enthusiast, I get a lot of questions about my unique approach to all things driving. Questions like ‘How much have you been drinking tonight?’, and ‘Why don’t you come down to the station with us, Sir?' I'm always happy to help answer questions like these with my patented face breaking technology, but my real joy co mes from giving people solutions to real problems that plague them.
Like this:
At first it seems impossible. It’s so large, so made of metal, so against all laws of nature. At first it might seem like you won’t be able to reduce it toa pile of ashes. It might seem that after stealing it, driving it through a river bed, using it to stage a daring felony, running Mexicans across the border and finally dropping it off the side of a ravine you’ll still have a largely intact monstrosity jam packed full of damning evidence.
DON’T PANIC
You can burn it. You can burn it good. You just need to apply a little strategy, a little brain power, and a lot of accelerant.
The end result?
(It’s easier to burn the RV than it is to get the douche driving it out. They regenerate like the mold between Roger’s toes.)
Roger’s Four Step Guide To Burning An RV
Step 1: Salvage anything you don’t want burned. Tyres, stereos, family pets, that sort of thing. Put these items a safe distance away from what will soon be a towering RV inferno. Make sure RV is resting on a non flammable surface, like tarmac or concrete – not in a field of highly flammeable Chinese nightgowns.
Step 2: Fill that baby up with fire juice. Old couches, love stained mattresses, fiscal returns from 2000 to 2008, get it in there, layering the debris lovingly and dousing it with the accelerant of your choice. I recommend Kerosene or Roger’s Raging Homebrew (2.99 a gallon – special offer to you blog readers).
Step 3: Light a rag on the end of a long stick and poke it inside the back door.
Step 4:
Technorati Tags: burn rv, burnt rv, burning motorhome, traffic, burning vehicle, burning rv video, how to burn, how to, lesbians, roger the rager, being a real man
As a motor enthusiast, I get a lot of questions about my unique approach to all things driving. Questions like ‘How much have you been drinking tonight?’, and ‘Why don’t you come down to the station with us, Sir?'
Like this:
At first it seems impossible. It’s so large, so made of metal, so against all laws of nature. At first it might seem like you won’t be able to reduce it to
DON’T PANIC
You can burn it. You can burn it good. You just need to apply a little strategy, a little brain power, and a lot of accelerant.
(It’s easier to burn the RV than it is to get the douche driving it out. They regenerate like the mold between Roger’s toes.)
Roger’s Four Step Guide To Burning An RV
Step 1: Salvage anything you don’t want burned. Tyres, stereos, family pets, that sort of thing. Put these items a safe distance away from what will soon be a towering RV inferno. Make sure RV is resting on a non flammable surface, like tarmac or concrete – not in a field of highly flammeable Chinese nightgowns.
Step 2: Fill that baby up with fire juice. Old couches, love stained mattresses, fiscal returns from 2000 to 2008, get it in there, layering the debris lovingly and dousing it with the accelerant of your choice. I recommend Kerosene or Roger’s Raging Homebrew (2.99 a gallon – special offer to you blog readers).
Step 3: Light a rag on the end of a long stick and poke it inside the back door.
Step 4:
Technorati Tags: burn rv, burnt rv, burning motorhome, traffic, burning vehicle, burning rv video, how to burn, how to, lesbians, roger the rager, being a real man
Ten Ways Marriage Is Like A Car Crash
If Roger knows about any two things, they’re marriage and traffic accidents. I married Mrs Rager when we were both 16 after her Daddy put a shotgun to my head. It was a beautiful wedding, but things went horribly wrong as soon as I dragged her bloated body over the threshold and set her to cooking me some waffles.
I told her broken waters ain’t no excuse for burning my vittles, but she was too busy hollering about driving to the hospital, which I can understand. Sometimes I want to go for a drive real bad too. She screamed the whole way there, and far as I can tell, she hasn’t stopped screaming since.
As me and Mrs Rager celebrate our lucky 13th wedding anniversary, here's what I've learned over the years...
- Marriages and traffic accidents are both usually caused by women.
- Marriages and traffic accidents are both often the result of rubbers wearing thin.
- Marriages and traffic accidents are both characterised by horrible hysterical screaming that only stops when you lose consciousness.
- Marriages and traffic accidents will both often cause those involve to wake up months or years later wondering how they got so horribly maimed.
- Marriages and traffic accidents are both sure fire ways to lose a sweet motorbike. (Mrs Rager sold mine so the kids would have a college fund. I told her they didn’t need any fancy book learning, they could make their way in their world with their wits and their fists, like their Daddy did, but she tried to hit me with a tire iron. That woman knows how to make a point.)
- Getting married or having a traffic accident without the proper license can get your ass thrown in jail.
- People a few bolts short of an automobile tend to have more traffic accidents and more marriages.
- Having a traffic accident and getting married both mean that you won’t be going anywhere for a while. Or ever.
- Being threatened with a shotgun will often cause a car crash – or a marriage.
- Marriages and traffic accidents will both break your face.
Got something you want to say to Roger? Leave a comment, and I'll be back to break your face later.
Technorati Tags: marriage, car crash, humor, list, relationships, married, wedding, funny, road rage
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