Ten Ways Marriage Is Like A Car Crash

If Roger knows about any two things, they’re marriage and traffic accidents. I married Mrs Rager when we were both 16 after her Daddy put a shotgun to my head. It was a beautiful wedding, but things went horribly wrong as soon as I dragged her bloated body over the threshold and set her to cooking me some waffles.

I told her broken waters ain’t no excuse for burning my vittles, but she was too busy hollering about driving to the hospital, which I can understand. Sometimes I want to go for a drive real bad too. She screamed the whole way there, and far as I can tell, she hasn’t stopped screaming since.

As me and Mrs Rager celebrate our lucky 13th wedding anniversary, here's what I've learned over the years...

• Marriages and traffic accidents are both usually caused by women.

• Marriages and traffic accidents are both often the result of rubbers wearing thin.

• Marriages and traffic accidents are both characterised by horrible hysterical screaming that only stops when you lose consciousness.

• Marriages and traffic accidents will both often cause those involve to wake up months or years later wondering how they got so horribly maimed.

• Marriages and traffic accidents are both sure fire ways to lose a sweet motorbike. (Mrs Rager sold mine so the kids would have a college fund. I told her they didn’t need any fancy book learning, they could make their way in their world with their wits and their fists, like their Daddy did, but she tried to hit me with a tire iron. That woman knows how to make a point.)

• Getting married or having a traffic accident without the proper license can get your ass thrown in jail.

• People a few bolts short of an automobile tend to have more traffic accidents and more marriages.

• Having a traffic accident and getting married both mean that you won’t be going anywhere for a while. Or ever.

• Being threatened with a shotgun will often cause a car crash – or a marriage.

• Marriages and traffic accidents will both break your face.

Got something you want to say to Roger? Leave a comment, and I'll be back to break your face later.

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